awake my soul.

lend me your hand & we'll conquer them all
but lend me your heart & I'll just let you fall
lend me your eyes; I can change what you see
but your soul you must keep, totally free

(Mumford & Sons - Awake My Soul)

since I started listening to Mumford, the lines in this song have spoken to me for some reason. I will literally sit and replay the song to hear them over and over again.

lend me your hand & we'll conquer them all -
come and be my friend, address me as your equal, and we can walk and learn and become great together.
lend me your eyes; I can change what you see -
I will show you and teach you things you have not seen or heard of before. you will view the Earth and others in a light that you never noticed before.

this, to me, is truly romantic.
the song speaks about the promise of enhancing one another's lives through experiences, learning, the physical Earth, and through other people.
how great would it be to meet someone who can create and/or share in these experiences with you?
it sounds like the promise of a true lifelong companion....

....yet, there is a bittersweet element to this song. it is telling of a profound friendship, but one that is potentially loveless. giving your hand or your eyes to this person ensures camaraderie and enlightenment. but, giving of your soul, one of the most precious things we have as humans, does not produce a positive result. I can hardly wrap my head around it - a companionship this deep without the inclusion of the heart and soul? something seems wrong with that.

maybe I am misinterpreting what the artist meant to convey, but that is how I understood the song from the first time I heard it... probably why I have been so intrigued and needed to hear it so many times.

anyways. in relation to my life, I decided that friendship is the way to go. this was my initial goal upon becoming an " unattached " woman, and somehow - unfortunately - I was a bit side-tracked. but I am committing to getting back on that track, because I am not ready for a relationship as a lover. I need to learn to be a friend first. i cannot get desired results by repeating the same behaviors from past, failed relationships -- jumping right into them, getting ahead of myself because I am excited about a certain prospect, etc. * friends first * I am going to shift my focus. I am going to do this.

regarding P1 & P2 from the previous post - I think they were placed in my life for a reason, but for now I may need to distance myself from the sexual situation. P1 has shown me what a man will do to show he is truly interested and how a woman should be treated with gentleness sometimes. P2 has taught me that I need to relax and take things slow, not always be in control of the situation. I feel as if P2 has taken the entire element of control away from me - he is calling the shots. it drives me insane, but i am going to take the advice of a good male friend and "chill the fuck out" and that maybe this is "healthy" for me.

whatevs. what is meant to be will happen. in the meantime, I am going to work on awakening my soul and making it prettier. I've been focusing too much on making myself physically prettier. it is time to get down to the core.

tbc!

who's gonna save the world tonight?

i cannot get house music out of my head. it's like a disease! other things are diseasing my mind as well. i have wasted so much of my time lately focusing on the wrong things... it is becoming a problem. i want to take boys/men/males/humanswithapenis out of my life. here i am, thinking that i can sustain a casual sexual relationship with someone... things are going well... things are going as they should... and then BAM! cutesy-shit starts happening. why? why is this happening? please stop it right now. things stop being casual and get more complicated. with Prospect #1 (P1), the situation is a bit simpler. i am not romantically interested in P1, so it is easy to enjoy his company, be detached, and come-and-go as i please. the sex is more sensual, gentle than i would have ever thought. kind of sweet sometimes, but i'm kind of getting over it. problem with P1: he is taking our "thing" more seriously than i would have expected. i am aware that i need to address that.


anyways. so, it is with Prospect #2 (P2) that the main problem lies - the sex is fucking electric. that is the best word i have considered to describe it. hold on...

Main Entry:	electric/electrical
Part of Speech:	adjective
Definition:	charged; energetic
Synonyms:	AC, DC, dynamic, electrifying, exciting, juiced, magnetic, motor-driven, power-driven, rousing, stimulating, stirring, tense, thrilling, voltaic
Antonyms:	boring, uncharged, unenergetic, unexciting

on that note - see "Synonyms" of "Electric" for P2 and see "Antonyms" of "Electric" for P1. so, in the attempt to make connections here, does fantastic, otherworldly sex make a person a suitable mate for me? i don't like saying it, but i think it is the truth. and the fact that i've never had it this damn good might be leading me in the wrong direction. sex has always been important to me, and being able to lose myself within it with that "someone" is - in my horny opinion - totally necessary. open communication and a healthy sex life are two priorities in a man of my future. this i know for certain. maybe this is why i am freaking out about P2... because this is the kind of sex i never knew i could have. i always thought that sex like this was a mythical creature that other women had and i only dreamed about.


i sound ridiculous.


the P1 sex is beginning to fall into the "Antonyms" category because it is predictable. i have yet to be surprised. i have actually been disappointed, which i feel terrible admitting out loud. he is a great person on paper for any other girl. he is a motivated, ambitious kind of guy with a steady job that he excels at. he lives in his own place, makes good money on the side with one of his "talents", and can certainly make a girl feel like a princess. but there is a lack of something, not just feelings-wise or sex-wise, that is preventing me from wanting anything more with him.


i'm too illogical for my own good sometimes... i think that is why God/the Divine Being/the Infinite Spirit blessed me with such wonderful, beautiful, logical friends. i have gotten some great advice. it is just hard to swallow sometimes. i've gotten myself into a pickle.

back to what i mentioned at the beginning - i may be realizing that i am incapable of carrying on a casual sexual relationship with someone who is SO good at it, unless 1. the prospect is a total idiot, 2. the prospect is a sexy toy.


undoubtedly though, there IS surprisingly a level of connection outside of sex with P2, if i could stop panting for a moment to even think about it. there IS a mental connection. i think there is a mutual intrigue that we have with each other. we come from different places in life and there can be a lot to learn from each other. there are things we have in common, as well. we have just tapped into this "deeper level" recently but, admittedly, most of our encounters have been purely fun, superficial, enjoying each other's company type stuff... and then the night ends with Sexy Time. the fact that i'm even dissecting this makes it all sounds somewhat "serious" as i type it, but the fact is that i would not mind this sort of companionship. this shit would actually work for me. companionship ... relationship - are these words interchangeable?


**DANGER!!DANGER** FACT THAT I DO NOT WANT TO ADMIT: i want this guy all to myself right now. to explore, to understand, to self-expand... without getting hurt in the process. (see this link for what i mean about "self-expansion": Sustainable Love - "Self-Expansion"; not so much about marriage for me, but more about relationships in general). i sent this article to Chris towards the end of our relationship. i realized that a main reason for my unhappiness, discomfort, and agitation in the relationship was that i was bored, among other things... i was getting nothing out of it anymore. sounds pretty selfish, though.


i don't think that with this guy i could ever be bored. there is enough physical distance between us, coupled with the fact that we don't obsessively text or call each other, each time we hang out it is a new & enlightening experience. TRUTH - this may all be what i'm seeing through rose-colored glasses right now. i know that is a possibility. but regarding my thoughts (i'm trying to stay away from the "feelings" word) at the moment, this is where i stand. so until i muster the courage to discuss with him the issue mentioned in the previous post with my incredibly sane friend Kristy.... these crazy thoughts are likely to remain :/.





i wrote this nonsense in an attempt to clear my mind and put my thoughts down in an organized manner to relieve some of my flustered-ness. not quite sure if it helped. sigh. all things come in time.

i need to remember this for later...

Today

ugh. i'm so antsy

can't stop thinking about this shit. wish my brain had a pause button

abt the *********** thing??

yessss

why dont you just ask lol

because then he will know that i care...

i guess it is a pride thing.

if u cant say something yr thinking to someone whos sleeping w u then maybe u shouldnt be sleeping w them

fuck.

i hate your logic.

'cause you're right.

but everything up until now has been a sort of unspoken

agreement

or whatever.

i guess i'm trying to avoid the awkwardness. and admitting that i actually care about the issue..

gotcha. been there done that all that stuff

but as a woman u have rights to know certain things

and his penis is going inside of yr body

its an issue of health and safety and trust

has ntohing to do w ******. shes just some slut girl

but i think that u know that he is not a faithful one woman type of guy if u choose not to speak abt it

so whats really bothering you? is it that you want the you and him thing just to be enough? or u think shes ugly? or yr jealous

this is all true... and the fact is i don't know if he is a faithful, one woman type guy or not. bc we haven't discussed it. so i guess i just need clarify there for my own sake...

it would be to confirm that he is definitely getting with other women

because he is doing way too many cute things and sort of-relationship stuff that it is throwing me off

get yr head together before u ask questions

yeah. guys totally suck.

but never be surprised.

i am a pretty realistic person, but his actions lately are throwing me off.

i was dating frank for a while without discussing stuff and when i asked he was totally honest and said flat out he had another girl the same as me

same thing w geo etc

most guys if u ask the right way i think will say the truth

relaxxx. it's just a peace of mind issue

shit. i guess i have to prepare myself to hear that.... is that why you ended things with them?

even after frank told me that i stayed dating him bc i liked our relationship

i ended it bc one day he told me to go over and she randomly showed up and i realized it wasnt all nice and roses lol

bc she cared too much and i didnt

right...

whatever. rack yr brain and figure yourself out then ask the right questions.

so. i guess i'm going to make myself patient, wait for him to invite me out again and address the issue...? or should i take initiative...

if u wana ping pong thougts call me and well cchat

because obviously i am the one flustered right now

be casual

a confrontation is not going to lead to a desired result

ever

okay..

thanks boo

just realize that while it seems HUGE right now its really just a personal issue of you coping with feelings of your own

and theres 92073496912370 ************s out there

ily. i have to go to the stupid mayor debate now.

sigh. i know you're right bc i'll look back on this and same the same

enjoy your debate

say the same*

btw if he is sleeping around it doesnt mean that yr not amazing and awesome and beautiful and smart and all those other things

just that he is not ready to be committed and that was not the premise of your relationship[

so dont stress

i'm not feeling very clever right now.

even though I have no interesting or clever statement to make on my first blog, I figure that I should start this thing up already.
so here I am!
good place to start: this past weekend was my first official single girl weekend. I did some single girl things, if you know what I mean. I am feeling pretty liberated right now. a little too liberated almost. this school semester has given me a lot of room to have fun & socialize. I've gotten back to the things that make me feel good - working out, yoga, animals, volunteering... and boys. idealistically that last category should not be a part of what makes me feel happy... and this is the part I am struggling with most. is it truly possible to live my life without the introduction of an interesting male prospect? I know that "dating" is part of being "single" (a word I despise, I prefer "free" or "unattached") but can I or anyone really get to know themselves without male interference? if so, I wish someone would teach me how. my brain is wired incorrectly right now. I need the help of an expert brain electrician.