who's gonna save the world tonight?

i cannot get house music out of my head. it's like a disease! other things are diseasing my mind as well. i have wasted so much of my time lately focusing on the wrong things... it is becoming a problem. i want to take boys/men/males/humanswithapenis out of my life. here i am, thinking that i can sustain a casual sexual relationship with someone... things are going well... things are going as they should... and then BAM! cutesy-shit starts happening. why? why is this happening? please stop it right now. things stop being casual and get more complicated. with Prospect #1 (P1), the situation is a bit simpler. i am not romantically interested in P1, so it is easy to enjoy his company, be detached, and come-and-go as i please. the sex is more sensual, gentle than i would have ever thought. kind of sweet sometimes, but i'm kind of getting over it. problem with P1: he is taking our "thing" more seriously than i would have expected. i am aware that i need to address that.


anyways. so, it is with Prospect #2 (P2) that the main problem lies - the sex is fucking electric. that is the best word i have considered to describe it. hold on...

Main Entry:	electric/electrical
Part of Speech:	adjective
Definition:	charged; energetic
Synonyms:	AC, DC, dynamic, electrifying, exciting, juiced, magnetic, motor-driven, power-driven, rousing, stimulating, stirring, tense, thrilling, voltaic
Antonyms:	boring, uncharged, unenergetic, unexciting

on that note - see "Synonyms" of "Electric" for P2 and see "Antonyms" of "Electric" for P1. so, in the attempt to make connections here, does fantastic, otherworldly sex make a person a suitable mate for me? i don't like saying it, but i think it is the truth. and the fact that i've never had it this damn good might be leading me in the wrong direction. sex has always been important to me, and being able to lose myself within it with that "someone" is - in my horny opinion - totally necessary. open communication and a healthy sex life are two priorities in a man of my future. this i know for certain. maybe this is why i am freaking out about P2... because this is the kind of sex i never knew i could have. i always thought that sex like this was a mythical creature that other women had and i only dreamed about.


i sound ridiculous.


the P1 sex is beginning to fall into the "Antonyms" category because it is predictable. i have yet to be surprised. i have actually been disappointed, which i feel terrible admitting out loud. he is a great person on paper for any other girl. he is a motivated, ambitious kind of guy with a steady job that he excels at. he lives in his own place, makes good money on the side with one of his "talents", and can certainly make a girl feel like a princess. but there is a lack of something, not just feelings-wise or sex-wise, that is preventing me from wanting anything more with him.


i'm too illogical for my own good sometimes... i think that is why God/the Divine Being/the Infinite Spirit blessed me with such wonderful, beautiful, logical friends. i have gotten some great advice. it is just hard to swallow sometimes. i've gotten myself into a pickle.

back to what i mentioned at the beginning - i may be realizing that i am incapable of carrying on a casual sexual relationship with someone who is SO good at it, unless 1. the prospect is a total idiot, 2. the prospect is a sexy toy.


undoubtedly though, there IS surprisingly a level of connection outside of sex with P2, if i could stop panting for a moment to even think about it. there IS a mental connection. i think there is a mutual intrigue that we have with each other. we come from different places in life and there can be a lot to learn from each other. there are things we have in common, as well. we have just tapped into this "deeper level" recently but, admittedly, most of our encounters have been purely fun, superficial, enjoying each other's company type stuff... and then the night ends with Sexy Time. the fact that i'm even dissecting this makes it all sounds somewhat "serious" as i type it, but the fact is that i would not mind this sort of companionship. this shit would actually work for me. companionship ... relationship - are these words interchangeable?


**DANGER!!DANGER** FACT THAT I DO NOT WANT TO ADMIT: i want this guy all to myself right now. to explore, to understand, to self-expand... without getting hurt in the process. (see this link for what i mean about "self-expansion": Sustainable Love - "Self-Expansion"; not so much about marriage for me, but more about relationships in general). i sent this article to Chris towards the end of our relationship. i realized that a main reason for my unhappiness, discomfort, and agitation in the relationship was that i was bored, among other things... i was getting nothing out of it anymore. sounds pretty selfish, though.


i don't think that with this guy i could ever be bored. there is enough physical distance between us, coupled with the fact that we don't obsessively text or call each other, each time we hang out it is a new & enlightening experience. TRUTH - this may all be what i'm seeing through rose-colored glasses right now. i know that is a possibility. but regarding my thoughts (i'm trying to stay away from the "feelings" word) at the moment, this is where i stand. so until i muster the courage to discuss with him the issue mentioned in the previous post with my incredibly sane friend Kristy.... these crazy thoughts are likely to remain :/.





i wrote this nonsense in an attempt to clear my mind and put my thoughts down in an organized manner to relieve some of my flustered-ness. not quite sure if it helped. sigh. all things come in time.